Notes of grieving mama

 Here I am onto this journey of grief since Oct 2020. October was always month of celebration for us as it brings all our favourite festivals, our anniversary and our first child born in october. As we were sailing through year 2020 we welcomed our Lil ❤️Shanaya ❤️ in June 2020 nd unfortunately we lost her in October 2020. And a year later fortunately again in Oct 2021 we got special gift from God our 🌈 baby boy Diyansh.  So this is how our October turns out both as a grieving and happy month and we have accepted it in both ways now. 

Few days back I came across post of grieving mama who was totally broken as first bday of her angel in heaven had arrived and she didn't knew where to turn up . She has penned down simply that all she wants that for her angel bday is just a small remembrance from friends and family.It was just a simple wish but somewhere next to impossible also coz she was expecting it from all those people who hadn't gone through this journey and who don't know what to say to grieving mother. I think why someone doesn't know what to say to grieving heart. Do we need to do some course on knowing how to deal with anyone's loss? When u were close with the same person prior to his/her loss then why you don't know how to pacify their heart post loss? Is that so difficult?

We grieving mamas just need few words of acknowledgement, a small rememberance of our child gone forever even when we know nothing can bring her / him back . We just want to keep our mind in lil fairy world thinking that they come back to us or they are somewhere always with us . We too r unaware of reality of death and what happens in other spirit world. all we need is few words of understanding, few heart felt feelings and assurance that our child will be remembered each day forever. She even told me how people had gone silent and  are scared to remember her gone child for it may bring bad omen to their pregnancies/ child birth etc. Exactly i too have felt the same. I was even asked not to remember ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ while I was carrying Ansh but for me it was impossible and personally I didn't want to do it. Each day of my pregnancy with ansh I had remembered ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ and seeing her pictures and have also been emotional with tears but now i find it was my strength. ❤️ Shanaya ❤️is truly my strength. I learnt how to love someone beyond these physical boundaries and all this has been self learning journey. Their are very few special people in my life who have remembered ❤️Shanaya ❤️ in each and every moment with me and I m so happy to have them. Not mentioning their names as they will read this and know it by themselves. Love u so much for this bful gesture.

It is not easy to forget all and start fresh. In my case I remember I did not see her pictures for 4-5 days and it was getting heavier and heavier over my mind. I didn't knew where to turn up. My family was their to support me but my heart was not ready to accept what has happened within fraction of seconds and that too without any prior hints. And I am also sure many people had their own judgements about the incident and so most of them were silent. I have felt the silence of closed ones really hurts even more. I myself didn't knew how to console my mind when it was full of so many doubts, motherly guilt and I was so unable to apprehend it all. Probably over the time I have come to conclusion that i will never find answers to it.

Their are few special people who constantly tried their best to keep in touch even when I turned their calls numerous times and few people with whom I was able to speak what I was feeling inside. I had even told my family that cremate me at same place where they buried her. Such intense thoughts were heavy on my mind. I am not angry or upset with anyone coz it's my journey and now i have learnt to deal with it but yes it hurts when u had expected a minimum gesture. I am opening up so much today coz after I read the post of Angel ❤️Zaidee ❤️ grieving mama and being constantly in touch with few other grieving mamas  I knew I too have been on same track of emotions and I needed to vent it out.

We mamas carry them, we raise them till age they had gotten and one day we had to bury them only to live a life which gets difficult each day afterwards. I read somewhere the smallest coffins are heaviest and this line pinches my heart each and every day .She didn't deserve to go like this and it will always hurt. Whatever we do wherever we go nothing will ever change her absence.

But i have also found peace over the time.My heart has accepted that this ache will continue till my last breath and i have learnt to find peace and joys with this pain in my heart. I learnt to hold onto myself. I am not brave or this strong and i will never be this strong. I know how each day had been a survival for us

 I will never forget the feelings, heartache and sadness I have seen in my husband but he had tried to keep himself composed through this all so that I can come out of this. But i will never forget his tears. Had he not been by my side I would not have come out this situation till now.

Losing ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ had changed a lot of me forever. A part of me has gone with her and it needed to go atleast she deserves this much from her mama. But she taught me a lot of things that i could not have seen otherwise. This journey transformed a lot of things inside me. The deepest pains need to be felt again and again if we want to heal our minds.

And in the end i would say writing it out gives me peace and happiness.

Forever grateful 💐❤️