Notes of grieving mama

 Here I am onto this journey of grief since Oct 2020. October was always month of celebration for us as it brings all our favourite festivals, our anniversary and our first child born in october. As we were sailing through year 2020 we welcomed our Lil ❤️Shanaya ❤️ in June 2020 nd unfortunately we lost her in October 2020. And a year later fortunately again in Oct 2021 we got special gift from God our 🌈 baby boy Diyansh.  So this is how our October turns out both as a grieving and happy month and we have accepted it in both ways now. 

Few days back I came across post of grieving mama who was totally broken as first bday of her angel in heaven had arrived and she didn't knew where to turn up . She has penned down simply that all she wants that for her angel bday is just a small remembrance from friends and family.It was just a simple wish but somewhere next to impossible also coz she was expecting it from all those people who hadn't gone through this journey and who don't know what to say to grieving mother. I think why someone doesn't know what to say to grieving heart. Do we need to do some course on knowing how to deal with anyone's loss? When u were close with the same person prior to his/her loss then why you don't know how to pacify their heart post loss? Is that so difficult?

We grieving mamas just need few words of acknowledgement, a small rememberance of our child gone forever even when we know nothing can bring her / him back . We just want to keep our mind in lil fairy world thinking that they come back to us or they are somewhere always with us . We too r unaware of reality of death and what happens in other spirit world. all we need is few words of understanding, few heart felt feelings and assurance that our child will be remembered each day forever. She even told me how people had gone silent and  are scared to remember her gone child for it may bring bad omen to their pregnancies/ child birth etc. Exactly i too have felt the same. I was even asked not to remember ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ while I was carrying Ansh but for me it was impossible and personally I didn't want to do it. Each day of my pregnancy with ansh I had remembered ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ and seeing her pictures and have also been emotional with tears but now i find it was my strength. ❤️ Shanaya ❤️is truly my strength. I learnt how to love someone beyond these physical boundaries and all this has been self learning journey. Their are very few special people in my life who have remembered ❤️Shanaya ❤️ in each and every moment with me and I m so happy to have them. Not mentioning their names as they will read this and know it by themselves. Love u so much for this bful gesture.

It is not easy to forget all and start fresh. In my case I remember I did not see her pictures for 4-5 days and it was getting heavier and heavier over my mind. I didn't knew where to turn up. My family was their to support me but my heart was not ready to accept what has happened within fraction of seconds and that too without any prior hints. And I am also sure many people had their own judgements about the incident and so most of them were silent. I have felt the silence of closed ones really hurts even more. I myself didn't knew how to console my mind when it was full of so many doubts, motherly guilt and I was so unable to apprehend it all. Probably over the time I have come to conclusion that i will never find answers to it.

Their are few special people who constantly tried their best to keep in touch even when I turned their calls numerous times and few people with whom I was able to speak what I was feeling inside. I had even told my family that cremate me at same place where they buried her. Such intense thoughts were heavy on my mind. I am not angry or upset with anyone coz it's my journey and now i have learnt to deal with it but yes it hurts when u had expected a minimum gesture. I am opening up so much today coz after I read the post of Angel ❤️Zaidee ❤️ grieving mama and being constantly in touch with few other grieving mamas  I knew I too have been on same track of emotions and I needed to vent it out.

We mamas carry them, we raise them till age they had gotten and one day we had to bury them only to live a life which gets difficult each day afterwards. I read somewhere the smallest coffins are heaviest and this line pinches my heart each and every day .She didn't deserve to go like this and it will always hurt. Whatever we do wherever we go nothing will ever change her absence.

But i have also found peace over the time.My heart has accepted that this ache will continue till my last breath and i have learnt to find peace and joys with this pain in my heart. I learnt to hold onto myself. I am not brave or this strong and i will never be this strong. I know how each day had been a survival for us

 I will never forget the feelings, heartache and sadness I have seen in my husband but he had tried to keep himself composed through this all so that I can come out of this. But i will never forget his tears. Had he not been by my side I would not have come out this situation till now.

Losing ❤️ SHANAYA ❤️ had changed a lot of me forever. A part of me has gone with her and it needed to go atleast she deserves this much from her mama. But she taught me a lot of things that i could not have seen otherwise. This journey transformed a lot of things inside me. The deepest pains need to be felt again and again if we want to heal our minds.

And in the end i would say writing it out gives me peace and happiness.

Forever grateful 💐❤️

Rainbow 🌈 baby 💗 Diyansh 💓

 I never knew about the rainbow 🌈 baby concept until I had this suffering of being a grieving mother after losing  my ♥️ Shanaya ❤️ four days prior to her turning to four months in October 2020. So we could not make upto 4 months with her. 

In October 2021 when I heard his first cry in OT, I felt my body was shivering and tears rolled down my cheeks while I was trying my best to hide my tears from nurses and doctor in OT. All I could say was thank you million times to God and requesting him to give my rainbow baby long life and bless him to be with us forever. 

Today our 💖 Diyansh 💖 reaches to four months and I feel so grateful to having reach to this stage of life. For me this is one of  milestone that seemed so far when he arrived in October. I didn't knew infact no one knows what will turn out in life next day so with all the prayers in my heart, with all ifs and buts I started my journey of mamahood again with my lil man Ansh. He is such a sweetheart baby and i m so glad that o got this opportunity to be his mama. 

 My husband is pure hearted person and a very innocent soul. I can never forget his tears when he held still ❤️ Shanaya ❤️ into his hands. He has been my biggest support throughout this journey and his parents are a lifetime blessings to me who have encouraged me at every step to move ahead and reminded me from time to time to get free from guilty feeling after I lost Shanaya. The loss was equivalent for them but they had hidden their tears and handling me was their topmost priority. My own brother, bhabi and mother had been my pillars of strength throughout the journey of grief. My bhabhi remembers Shanaya in each and every moment that we share and celebrate together.

I have read a lot of stories , lot of things on net past one year, wrote a lot and decided to heal my mind myself. Learnt a lot onto this journey. I know one thing I can never get  completely over losing her. she didn't deserve to go like this. I can never get over her burial. I always feel why didnt God take me instead of her but I also know I will never find answers to any of these. Slowly gradually over the years I might find more peace over what happened and I might not look for answers further by accepting it all..But as of now I sometimes still have mixed , confused emotions . Some people say ❤️ Shanaya ❤️ has sent him to us .Some say that he carries her soul. I try to collage his and her pics and try to find similarities and I have found lot of similar pictures and expressions number of times but still her absence doesn't makes me forget all that has happened over past one year. She is and will be my favourite child . The hardest part of losing her is sometimes living each day again and being a mother again with so many conflicts that come inside my grieving heart. But I also know God is with me in everything I do and in every feeling I have felt from bottom core of my broken heart💔.

Forever grateful to God and to my family, friends who have been with me onto this journey. 

Story of survival

 So there I was outside that child specialist room in civil hospital from where my husband and his junior came out with my Shanaya , my second baby girl, whom doctor declared that she has gone forever. My world crushed and turned upside down forever. I was crying feeling numb as if world was turning black to my eyes. I had heard about death but hadn't felt how it feels to hold someone gone forever who you felt was your life and you cannot imagine yourself without them. In fraction of seconds my life shattered and every thing was gone. Then came journey of her burial. The scene recalls each day to my grieving heart and now I have gotten used to the pain that I felt there when they buried her.

After that came a lot of advices, judgements and condolences also from people around..Some said she got stuck by evil eyes as I shared a lot of her pictures, some asked if I was feeding her bottle, some said she didn't burp proper, some said now delete all her pictures, give away all her belongings to somebody and try to forget her if you want to move ahead, and there were also few closed ones who had gone silent and that made me feel even more guilty. Every one had their opinions. 

Each day afterwards was a struggle itself.i didn't had reason to get up and do the even simple chores of routine life. I didn't knew where to turn up to look for life. My 4 year old daughter was trying to be with me trying to understand my grieving heart . She was doing her best but I was unable to be mother to her. My parents stayed with me trying to explain me everything to pacify my grieving heart but nothing was working over me. I had been always very independent on my own handling everything that came along into my life but now here I was standing blank feeling numb unable to pacify my grieving heart and move on with life. Frankly I didn't knew what to do next with my life. Forgetting her and moving ahead was next to impossible. Then first of all one day i sorted my phone . I selected all her pictures and put them in one folder and started scrolling through them each day remembering each and every moment that we spent as a family with her. Initially it was painful to recall those memories and feeling the bitter truth that many more moments that were planned will never come again but gradually it started healing lil bit of my heart. Remembering her helped me move on day by day with my life. I read a lot on internet about child loss stories and read about the parents feelings and somehow felt connected to lot of them and it gradually helped me in dealing with my loss. 

Then I started thinking about another pregnancy. But initially everyone around was worried that subsequent pregnancies could deteriorate my health and even one doctor advised me not to think of another pregnancy for next two years but all I could think was of having another baby to pull myself out of the situation and also my family. I had my c section in June 2020 so after reading a lot on net I decided that after 6 months I will try for one chance. In between I also went for gallstones removal surgery in Dec 2020. Then in January 2021 after 6 months waiting from last c section I started planning again. I had been exhausted physically and mentally as well but I knew that I have to go through this if i want to help myself. Fortunately in February 2021 I found those two pink lines and the most surprising part was my EDD was coinciding with same date when my Shanaya left us nd this gave me alot of satisfaction.i thanked God and went to same Gynaecologist who had delivered Shanaya. She is wonderful lady . She heard me and consoled me saying that risks are involved but I will keep extra eye on your case. From their began next journey of pregnancy and each day we felt closer to getting her back in another form. I felt God was with me always on the day she left and on the day I conceived again. I prayed each day to God and he was always helping me around. 

Each day of my pregnancy I remembered Shanaya and felt more positive as day of delivery approached thinking I will meet her back . I felt Shanaya was sending me positive vibes each day. We started feeling happy about it again but we weren't talking about it much as their were also few complications which bought anxiety to our minds. 

Then came day of my delivery. As it was c section doctor gave us date of October 2 , 2021 seeing the cholestasis problem of my pregnancy. On Oct 2,  I heard his first cry in OT and I was crying and praying to lord that please take care of everything this time. I was crying in OT and later in my hospital room continuously. Had mixed feelings when they bought him closer to me. For initial days I was confused about losing her and finding him back. But seeing the happy faces of my family I felt relieved I felt that I was finally able to bring our lives back on track and this lil rainbow baby boy seems a miracle to me from God's abode, as of our prayers were heard soon and God was with us in everything. 

I m thankful to few closed ones who had been a big support into this journey, who ensured to check upon me when I was in most down phase .❤️ Shanaya ❤️ is beautiful part of my story and will always stay with us till my last breath. Our baby boy 😍Diyansh 😍has brought lots lots lots of love and some days I have this gut feeling that he is carrying her soul. 

So this is story of broken dreams, rebuilding again, rising from the bottom most phase of your life and learning to strive through loss, pain and restarting your life with new hopes and remember amidst everything God has been by my side. I know God chose us , he chose my Shanaya for reasons unknown to us right now but I also know that everything happens for a reason and the one who takes away life he only gives to direction to move on with life towards next phase. I m trying to be better version of my old lost self and I have learnt a lot onto this journey. 

I m not proud of my scars as i still want no mother to go through this phase ever but I can say that if u prepare yourself to fight it out all and move again u can definitely give a new start with the blessings of God.

Forever grateful to every thing that came along.

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Enayat my girlie

*Khuda ne tumko Enayat bakshi hai * somebody told me when I named my baby girl as Enayat and I really felt very elated listening to this.. This Lil girlie has become my life since last few months. Now as she is growing up she tries to interact with me and that session of my interaction with her makes me think what is going her inside her mind,   what she must be thinking and why she is showing me such happiness some times. These Lil kids are so awesome that their one smile, their one look washes away all tiredness. And I also wonder why my Lil one confides so much into me.. I guess this trust begins to build up since the day baby comes into mommy womb.. This is such a bful bond that its hard to express much into words. I remember the day Enayat was born I was unable to sleep for next two days not because she was taking much of my time but because I was so so much excited thinking  that I have Lil girl in my life who looks like me and tomorrow she will become my best friend.. Its such a awesome feeling to have you beside me Enayat. And I m loving my nights sleeping beside u and I feel so happy every morning to see u.. Ur presence gives me reasons to get up each day and feel good about life. You are a wonderful blessing for me my baby.. 

Aj is akeli shaam mein,

Dil ki gahrayi mein jub jhanka,

to bheeter chupe adhure lamhe,

nami se bheege hue,

muskurate se nazar aye,

kuch ankhaee si samjhee hui batein,

kuch beeti hui purani shamein,

aankhoin ke saamne aise ayi,

laga, kuch girhein aaj khul rhi hai,

kuch girhein to khul gyi,

kuch abhi bhi baaki hai,

fir kisi aur din ,

ek akeli sham yuhin ayegi,

fir kuch ateet ke adhure lamhe bikhrenge,

fir un lamhon ki adhure ehsaas paano per simtenge.... 

“Deep relation”

 

Like the silent waves of sea,

I share my loneliness with the night sky,

It understands me, listens to me,

Hidden tears unfold into my deep eyes,

When I realize the uncovered distance between us,

Surrounded by my own imaginations,

I have sown a deep relation,

The relation that binds you and me,

A beautiful life with u is that I see,

Come, hold and take me with you,

I promise I would walk with you,

Leaving the whole world apart,

I will listen to every beat of ur  heart..

 

jane kab ye intzaar khatam hoga,
jane kab wo sapna meri haqeeqat hoga,
ye nigahen jo tumhari raah takti hai,
inme basi chahtein jo tumhare liye saza rakhi hai,
mujse baar 2 sawaal kerti hai,
muje aur bebas  kerti hai,
najane kab se intzaar ker rhi hun.
najane kab tuk intzaar karungi,
najane kab tuk sapno mein hi jeeyungi,
ye jo tumhara meetha ehsaas hai,
yehi to bas mere pas hai,
aur issi per kayam ek aas hai,
ye intzaar bhi tumhare liye hai,
ye pyar bhi tumhare liye hai,
jaldi se aaker isse apne mein samet lo,
aur mere ghar ko apne pyar se seench do...