So there I was outside that child specialist room in civil hospital from where my husband and his junior came out with my Shanaya , my second baby girl, whom doctor declared that she has gone forever. My world crushed and turned upside down forever. I was crying feeling numb as if world was turning black to my eyes. I had heard about death but hadn't felt how it feels to hold someone gone forever who you felt was your life and you cannot imagine yourself without them. In fraction of seconds my life shattered and every thing was gone. Then came journey of her burial. The scene recalls each day to my grieving heart and now I have gotten used to the pain that I felt there when they buried her.
After that came a lot of advices, judgements and condolences also from people around..Some said she got stuck by evil eyes as I shared a lot of her pictures, some asked if I was feeding her bottle, some said she didn't burp proper, some said now delete all her pictures, give away all her belongings to somebody and try to forget her if you want to move ahead, and there were also few closed ones who had gone silent and that made me feel even more guilty. Every one had their opinions.
Each day afterwards was a struggle itself.i didn't had reason to get up and do the even simple chores of routine life. I didn't knew where to turn up to look for life. My 4 year old daughter was trying to be with me trying to understand my grieving heart . She was doing her best but I was unable to be mother to her. My parents stayed with me trying to explain me everything to pacify my grieving heart but nothing was working over me. I had been always very independent on my own handling everything that came along into my life but now here I was standing blank feeling numb unable to pacify my grieving heart and move on with life. Frankly I didn't knew what to do next with my life. Forgetting her and moving ahead was next to impossible. Then first of all one day i sorted my phone . I selected all her pictures and put them in one folder and started scrolling through them each day remembering each and every moment that we spent as a family with her. Initially it was painful to recall those memories and feeling the bitter truth that many more moments that were planned will never come again but gradually it started healing lil bit of my heart. Remembering her helped me move on day by day with my life. I read a lot on internet about child loss stories and read about the parents feelings and somehow felt connected to lot of them and it gradually helped me in dealing with my loss.
Then I started thinking about another pregnancy. But initially everyone around was worried that subsequent pregnancies could deteriorate my health and even one doctor advised me not to think of another pregnancy for next two years but all I could think was of having another baby to pull myself out of the situation and also my family. I had my c section in June 2020 so after reading a lot on net I decided that after 6 months I will try for one chance. In between I also went for gallstones removal surgery in Dec 2020. Then in January 2021 after 6 months waiting from last c section I started planning again. I had been exhausted physically and mentally as well but I knew that I have to go through this if i want to help myself. Fortunately in February 2021 I found those two pink lines and the most surprising part was my EDD was coinciding with same date when my Shanaya left us nd this gave me alot of satisfaction.i thanked God and went to same Gynaecologist who had delivered Shanaya. She is wonderful lady . She heard me and consoled me saying that risks are involved but I will keep extra eye on your case. From their began next journey of pregnancy and each day we felt closer to getting her back in another form. I felt God was with me always on the day she left and on the day I conceived again. I prayed each day to God and he was always helping me around.
Each day of my pregnancy I remembered Shanaya and felt more positive as day of delivery approached thinking I will meet her back . I felt Shanaya was sending me positive vibes each day. We started feeling happy about it again but we weren't talking about it much as their were also few complications which bought anxiety to our minds.
Then came day of my delivery. As it was c section doctor gave us date of October 2 , 2021 seeing the cholestasis problem of my pregnancy. On Oct 2, I heard his first cry in OT and I was crying and praying to lord that please take care of everything this time. I was crying in OT and later in my hospital room continuously. Had mixed feelings when they bought him closer to me. For initial days I was confused about losing her and finding him back. But seeing the happy faces of my family I felt relieved I felt that I was finally able to bring our lives back on track and this lil rainbow baby boy seems a miracle to me from God's abode, as of our prayers were heard soon and God was with us in everything.
I m thankful to few closed ones who had been a big support into this journey, who ensured to check upon me when I was in most down phase .❤️ Shanaya ❤️ is beautiful part of my story and will always stay with us till my last breath. Our baby boy 😍Diyansh 😍has brought lots lots lots of love and some days I have this gut feeling that he is carrying her soul.
So this is story of broken dreams, rebuilding again, rising from the bottom most phase of your life and learning to strive through loss, pain and restarting your life with new hopes and remember amidst everything God has been by my side. I know God chose us , he chose my Shanaya for reasons unknown to us right now but I also know that everything happens for a reason and the one who takes away life he only gives to direction to move on with life towards next phase. I m trying to be better version of my old lost self and I have learnt a lot onto this journey.
I m not proud of my scars as i still want no mother to go through this phase ever but I can say that if u prepare yourself to fight it out all and move again u can definitely give a new start with the blessings of God.
Forever grateful to every thing that came along.
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